If it’s not the annoyance of a whiney child, it’s the monotony of just another typical evening alone at home with a toddler. Ronnie has worked till eight the last two nights, and OMG are these some looooong evenings.
And it’s not the kind of boredom because there is nothing to do, it’s because all the normal things to do that must be done (fold laundry, pay bills, grocery shop, etc) are just such a drag. And it’s all an endless cycle, which is probably the crappiest thing about all that.
I actually dread 5 o’clock at work because I don’t want to face another evening like this. I long for the ability to leave work and maybe act on the impulsive thought to go to the mall or have a nice long workout, because it’s what I want to do and isn’t dependent on anyone else and no one else is dependent on me. It’s all those reasons I never wanted children that sort of rise up against me now and then, like a little devil on my shoulder, reminding me of how things used to be.
But I wouldn’t trade it. No, never would I trade Skyler for that life again. I just sometimes wish I could modify things in this life a bit. Like have the option of not having her daycare as part of my route twice a day every day. I dream of leaving work, knowing that Ronnie has gathered Skyler and her belongings and brought her home safely, is getting her dinner ready, and I can either go run some errands or just come home to an evening that’s already being taken care of by someone else. I’ve experienced this a precious few glorious times when Ronnie’s workday has allowed. But they are so few and far between.
Someday Skyler will be in school and maybe riding a bus that delivers her to and from home, and then not long after that she’ll be old enough to be home alone. None of tonight’s complaints will matter, and I’ll be missing her littleness. I won’t get the kisses, and will no longer be reading books with her in my lap and rocking her before bedtime. It will all be different.
This life is such a dichotomy.
And I’m not even PMSing. Promise.