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Leftovers

August 8, 2017

I just finally stopped sweating from a sunset jog/walk around the lake, and now I can’t sleep. This is the problem with working out at night, is it generally gives me a second wind, but maybe I should embrace this so I can also do things like write on this blog or clean up the dinner leftovers instead of leaving it for tomorrow…anyway, the 4.9 miles I managed to fit in today feels like a big accomplishment. The fact that I had enough energy to even entertain this thought in the evening after a a fitful previous night’s sleep and long, stressful day at work is kind of a miracle. A workout of any sort, any time of day these days just seems near impossible to me. My back and hips ache from inactivity and my neck has a crick from one of the last times I lifted weights a few weeks ago, and I’m just so mentally tired all the time from the stresses of work and motherhood that doing absolutely nothing is my most prized hobby at this point in life. But, the evenings are unseasonably mild, there’s a lake down the street calling my name at all times, and most importantly, I’m going to be attempting to hike at least one 14,000 foot peak in Colorado in 40 days. It’s time to get serious about my fitness if I don’t want my friends to have to carry me down the trail.

What’s fairly mind-blowing to me is how intimidated I am by this upcoming hiking trip, when just a few years ago I was in the best shape of my life. I was a CrossFitter. CrossFit was LIFE. Fitness and nutrition were LIFE. I never envisioned a future where that wasn’t the case. I got certified in nutritional therapy, I got certified in CrossFit, and I was going to bring real health and fitness and happiness to the world while practicing what I preached. But here I am, lucky to attempt a workout every couple weeks, snacking on gluten-filled pretzels and non-organic cheese (nope, NOT on the paleo diet), 20 pounds overweight, and worst of all, I can’t do pull-ups anymore. I mean, WHO AM I?

I’m a much different person now, and the life events, both good ones and bad ones, have changed and shaped me. So while there may be 20 extra pounds of fluff and less muscle to lift heavy things, I gotta remember my heart is bigger with love for the additional child I grew since I last did a pull-up, and my heart is stronger for all the family challenges and victories we’ve won. So though my heart is my trophy for now, life’s stresses and challenges have taken a toll on my emotional well-being and in turn affecting my physical ability to exercise and eat right (yep – meal planning and prep take way too much energy for me to tackle right now).  I’m mostly trying to ration what little energy I have left these days for my family, and I’m doing a sub par job just giving them my leftovers. I’m a terrible housekeeper, I sometimes do laundry, I rarely cook. I feel like I’m living one day at a time. From Sunday night through Thursday I’m grumpy and feel like I’m barely treading water at life, and then I cheer up for the weekend. I feel bad for my family – they get the worst of me the majority of the week, and I feel frustrated and guilty that it’s not the other way around. They should be the priority, but instead there’s this thing called a job that requires me to be there a lot and attempt to do smart things that make people money. And they pay me good money to be there, so I kinda have to. They’d probably stop paying me and show me to the door if I treated my work the way I treat my family. Luckily, it’s not as easy for my family to fire me, so they keep me around, for now. I know, excuses, excuses, excuses. Well your fitspiration photos can bite me at this point in life.

On the other hand I know there is this person stuck inside this perpetually tired, stressed out, puffier body, that’s really awesome. I’ve got an adventurous and competitive spirit that if I could just get some oomph back in my blood I’d be doing good things for this body that supports me. I’ve got deep, crazy thoughts on life and relationships and spirituality and philosophy and if I just found the energy and time again I’d be sharing them here, gaining that liberating feeling for my nonstop racing thoughts that only writing brings me.  And I love my family and friends so much that it hurts and feels overwhelming during the stressful times, so I just shut down and pray they’ll continue to believe in me and support me. I dream of a day where my energy is balanced and I can overwhelm them with love and laughter. That person is in here, tapping impatiently to climb her way out. Until then, I’m going to start celebrating the small wins that help me find my way back to my true self. And hopefully that also means I’ll be able to celebrate not blowing a lung or a knee on a mountain in the near future.

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