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My Fabulous Life

July 15, 2010

Almost three years into this chapter and role of my life, I still question myself if I was cut out for this parenting thing. I figure I always will. I never wanted kids that bad. It wasn’t a 100%, but I knew I wouldn’t have ever missed it had it never happened to us. I wouldn’t have known what I was missing since other people’s kids have never been something I was interested in – much less knew what the heck to do with. My friend used to tease me – when a commercial with a cute puppy came on TV, I’d go “awwwwww” and when the next commercial with a cute baby came on TV, she’d go “awwwww” but I couldn’t care any less.

But I was blessed to be given this privilege/curse called parenthood. And while now I know what I would have been missing, I can’t help but admit at times that life as a non-parent would have been so much easier, and certainly more glamourous. Like yesterday morning, driving Skyler to daycare, the first day of her latest illness, which is a massive summer cold. She sneezed a fountain not much less than ten times in the course of our drive. So I’m trying to keep us straight on the Interstate and not kill us over some excess snot, while at the same time handing her panicked whiney face a tissue so she can wipe her own nose, which at her age is hardly effective. I arrive at daycare with a miserable snot-faced kid and a car full of sticky kleenexes. And then the freak out of how are the other parents dropping their kids off going to think of me, seeing my watery-eyed crusty-nosed girl heading in to play, share toys, and sneeze on their healthy kids? Other parents’ fleeting glances can be downright cruel (but I do it too when I’m on the other side).

I spend my evenings doing the bidding of an adorable but terribly rotten two and a half year old, and trying to find that balance between putting up with a repetitive ear-piercing whine for the sake of discipline, and just giving in so I can get some peace and maybe my happy daughter back. Add Bruno to that mix who, as soon as Skyler was born, realized/decided that I was also his mom, which meant I needed to wait on his every need as well. Yes, he’s been Ronnie’s dog for nearly 10 years, and I’ve been in his daily life for less than half of that, but now I am apparently the only person in this house he will nudge, lick, bother, lurk at, etc, until he’s fed/watered/let out. And it gets tiring. Not that any of these little tasks are exhausting in themselves, but the act of being constantly needed for something can be draining, when after my long day of work I want to just relax.

And that is the life of a parent, at least for this stage in our child’s life when she’s testing her boundaries, gaining independence, but still needs lots of help with everything. And while I sometimes dream of an alternative life where things are easier and I can just be me, I wouldn’t trade it. Because now and then, like a few mornings ago, I look down smiling at my daughter, and without me having to crack a joke or add any other incentive, she beams the sweetest smile right back at me, my heart melts, and I know why I’m doing this and how much I am truly blessed.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Mom permalink
    July 15, 2010 12:46 pm

    I can remember those days with my own daughter. πŸ™‚ Such is the life of a mother. And someday, if you are blessed, you will re-live it all over again with grandchildren but with more blessings than curses. And you also get to watch your “child” go through the same days you went through with a knowing smile.

    We have a tremendous role to play in the lives of those around us and most of time don’t think we are very significant but the influence we possess…I don’t know a single mom that doesn’t have moments that she’d like to have some do overs. So in those crazy moments, remember we only get one chance with them…treasure them and say the mantra “this too will pass”.

  2. Deborah permalink
    July 15, 2010 1:32 pm

    I forgot about those commercials.
    I always knew I would be a parent. I had to be a parent. I didnt know what I would do if I couldn’t be someones Mommy, but with that said, I struggle everyday with the same issues as you. Its soooo frustrating. I sometimes wonder what I would be doing if I didnt have kids. I get a smile thinking about the sun on my face at the beach with no one responsible for. Then I look at Sis playing with her brother and my heart melts! Darn kids get you every time..well in your case, your kid! I still love those baby commercials.

  3. Great Grandma Kelley permalink
    July 15, 2010 2:09 pm

    Just think, if I wouldn’t have gone through the pleasures and problems of having and raising your Father, what then.

    I now am blessed with four wonderful people none of which I would trade for all the wealth and comforts of the world.

    Hang in there, your time will come.

  4. July 16, 2010 1:25 am

    I love the “dream of an alternative life” reference. Very fitting and easy to relate to. Thanks.

    By the way, I enjoyed reading the comments posted here. Sounds like you’re blessed with a wonderful and supportive family!

  5. Maria permalink
    July 16, 2010 2:37 pm

    Overwhelming, yes, Tiring, yes, sometimes I want to explode, yes. I miss weekends of naps and JUST hanging out, yes. I miss my husband. yes. I miss the joy of having no responsibility, yes. I want to lock myself in a closet, yes. Man, do I feel you.

    BUT, and this is a HUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGE BUT, as I know you relate. My children give me a joy I never knew existed. A gut busting laugh that I never had in me, “when my son tells me very seriously to just go to the gas station and get some money”. They give me smiles that are the only smiles that matter in the world. They give me the snottiest nastiest kisses, that I would choose over any other kiss. They give me dreams I never dreamt, and they spelled out a whole other meaning of love. Man, who knew parenting was anything like this? Thanks Lori for sharing.

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