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The Deep End

November 21, 2009
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Sometimes I find myself questioning everything, wondering what really matters, fearing things I can’t control. I wonder if I’ve always had these thoughts or if it’s something that comes with age and experience and life.

That brief moment I pass an accident on the highway and my mind lurches into what-if’s of all kinds, running the gammut of all my loved ones and how hard it would be to lose anyone tragically. And then I become thankful for every second and all that I’ve been given, and I beg and plead with God to keep us all safe and happy and healthy for a long life.

And then I see a a weathered elderly person at the store, with their tired, sad look, as they watch life around them change faster than their aged and less capable bodies can keep up. It looks scary and lonely, and I realize I never want to be old. How must it feel to watch your body begin to fail you, knowing it’s the natural way of life, but also going through it without your own mom and dad, maybe even without your spouse, who have all long passed and left you behind. Maybe you’ve got children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, who are all busy living their active young lives. They used to depend on you for survival, and now you depend on them to help you through the rest of your days. I do believe we can stay “younger” physically and mentally if we live healthy and maintain a certain attitude, but eventually, there is a point of no return. And it scares me deeply.

Back in the here and now, things happen that test my foundations, my loyalties. I realize things and people aren’t always what they seem, sometimes better and sometimes worse, and sometimes just different. But it makes me stronger in who I am and what’s important to me. I think ahead again to my whithering future self, and I hope that when I’m remembering all that has come before, it is filled with joy and purpose, and nothing was wasted. Maybe then, it would be easier to say goodbye.

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