I shouldn’t even be taking the time to write this. I should be working, or studying, or cleaning, or showering. But I haven’t written in several weeks and I’m so sick of doing all the “have to’s” and not having any time or energy left to do the “want to’s,” so damn it I’m writing.
My Badass book said something about how when things finally click for you and you decide that thing that you really want to go for (your calling I guess), and you’re all Gung ho and moving in that direction, Murphy’s Law or maybe it’s Satan tries to get in the way and create obstacles that feel like a sign that maybe you made the wrong decision and should go back to playing it safe. And it feels like that’s exactly what’s happening. My job has been unfulfilling for quite some time and I finally figured out I wanted to go back to school for psychology. About a month ago I signed up for a class to get started meeting the prerequisites of a Master’s program, was getting up early to make quiet time and exercise for myself a priority, and was all Positive Polly since I had it figured out. Nothing was stopping me. And then yet another person from our department quit (I think that makes 5 in the last 6 months or so?) with no sign of backfilling any of those positions in sight. My own team is half the size it was a year ago but responsible for more work. So when I should be studying a subject I enjoy and spending time with my family, I’m working nights and weekends to do even more unfulfilling work. I’m staying up really late to do work and not getting much sleep and thus not waking up early for probably the most important time of the day, my “me time.” I stopped going for walks with my coworkers in the afternoons because we all just have too much to do. Now and then I have a discussion or meeting that involves building relationships or collaboration or conflict resolution and those things get me really excited and motivated (hence why I want to study psychology) and I have hope that I can impact things that matter at work. But then I get quickly buried in the mundane work work work that clients are actually paying for and I never have time to do the good stuff. Complete opposite the direction I want to be going and it’s making me super cranky.
On top of the above, I made goals this year to connect with friends and family more and I feel like that’s just silly right now. One of my best friends is fighting cancer and I feel like I can barely keep up with her. What’s funny is SHE feels guilty that she’s been so busy fighting cancer that she hasn’t kept up with me – how ridiculous is that?!?! I don’t answer calls or texts from people because I’m in the middle of work. My kids are growing up at lightning speed and right now and I don’t feel like I can just relax and enjoy them. My husband and I haven’t been on a date since sometime in December and we’ve been unable to secure a babysitter successfully for awhile. In this kind of situation I used to take a day off work just so we could have a day date while the girls are at school/daycare, but if I did that right now it would just guarantee I’d be in the office the following Saturday.
There’s a glimmer of hope that something at work will change soon and I’ll get some balance back, but I don’t know how long that will take and I don’t know how long I can take this. The morale across the team is so low, every day I come in wondering who will be resigning next and how much more work we’re going to have to figure out how to shoulder. I cry almost every night when everyone goes to bed and I’m stuck with writing reports and insights for stuff that in reality JUST. DOESN’T. MATTER! I’ve looked around at other job openings in the city but there’s nothing that I care to make the effort for. It all just seems like more of the same. One thing I’ve learned and realized through this is how my coworkers and I have built up some great friendships and at least we have each other, right? Misery loves company. But for real we are encouraging each other and helping each other and trying to become better people through this, and I don’t want to leave that for some place new. I hold out hope that things will get better where I’m at.
I don’t really know how to end this post. Normally I try to wrap things up positively or whatever but I’m just here. It’s where I’m at. And I should get back to working or taking care of my sick kid, since I’m doing both on this beautiful Friday.
Yesterday was the Women’s March, where millions of women (and men and even children) across the country gathered to “send a bold message to our new government on their first day in office, and to the world that women’s rights are human rights. We stand together, recognizing that defending the most marginalized among us is defending all of us.” I didn’t go, but was invited by a friend since we had made lunch plans yesterday and she was thinking about it. I’m not much of an activist or political person, so it’s not really my cup of tea to do something like that, but I did noodle on it for a bit, thinking maybe it would be cool to get out of my comfort zone and be a part of something big like that. I’m a woman, I think women are awesome. But I’ve never identified with the title “nasty woman” – and I worried there might be a lot of that kind of vindictiveness out there and that didn’t sound unifying or empowering to me. And I really just preferred to catch up with my friend since we hadn’t seen each other or talked for a couple years. Selfishness won and I had a wonderful lunch with my friend.
I am truly impressed by the numbers that showed up and the aerial photos of the events around the country. It is awe-inspiring to see those kinds of numbers gather for a cause. I’m happy for the people that went – I know several that did, and I hope they were encouraged and empowered by the event, and I hope that anyone who would attempt to suppress human rights received the message loud and clear. But I also heard some things that discouraged me. There’s a lot of talk about diversity, but the march organizers removed a pro-life feminist group from their sponsors. The Women’s March website quotes Audre Lorde saying “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” So why exclude a group that has a different and broader definition of human rights than you? That seems counterproductive and narrow-minded. The Washington Post also reported that the event was mostly white women. Why were there not more women of color out there taking a stand? Is it because they don’t feel empowered, they don’t have the means, they don’t feel safe, they don’t care, or something else? For such a diverse country, I would’ve hoped to see more diversity at this event. One way or another, it shows there are problems that need dealt with.
My biggest question/hope is – what will those millions of marchers do next? If yesterday’s march inspired you (whether you were present or not), or if you were one of the people that felt it an unecessary display of activism, what if next month we organized a Women’s Community Day? What if everyone who marched and those who believe there are injustices in society then chose a cause within our community that we would physically serve for a few hours on a Saturday next month? Can you imagine the amazing impact millions of women could directly have on our communities by volunteering in one single day? There probably wouldn’t be dramatic aerial photos to commemorate the impact, but I bet the ripple effect would be more permanent and far-reaching. I’m encouraged by the Women’s March website that now lays out an action plan. It doesn’t detail the whole plan, but begins with writing letters to local legislators about causes important to you. I think that’s an okay start, but I hope there is a focus on the actual impact each woman can make, rather than relying on the decisions of politicians. I have very little faith in them. It’s so important that we get busy impacting the world around us, rather than talking about it and what other people are doing to mess it up. Women are capable of amazing things; Men are too so it doesn’t have to be about just women but I think that if millions of women want to get out and march, then at a minimum we’ve got that many people that should be willing to go do something now.
I’m at a point in my life where I really want to make a difference. I want my energy to be spent making a positive impact on those around me. I’m trying to figure out what that means for me career-wise, and I’m trying and learning to be a great wife and mother at home so my family is better for having me. It’s a bumpy and exhausting ride, but I know there is more outside my family and my work, and there is a world that is hurting. Other than praying, giving money regularly to a couple charities that are important to me, and trying to be a nice person, I want to branch out more and I’m trying to figure out how I want to do that. I found a great website called Volunteer Match that helps you search for opportunities in your community by various categories. So I have a goal this year to get out of my bubble and really do something. Hopefully I can include the family in that too but I’m not going to let that limit me. I challenge anyone reading this to do the same – whatever cause is dear to you or just find one. Use your time for something bigger than yourself. Less talk, more action. We are capable of SO much good.
These days I’m caught in the guilty, contradicting feeling of pining my workdays away, anticipating Layla’s smile when I pick her up from daycare, and then subsequently wishing for bedtime to hurry up and get here once we walk in the door. I dread the morning and evening rush, yet know it’s such a limited time with my girls and hope to somehow make quality time out of those hurried, stressful minutes. Because I no longer see the baby in my 9-year-old, and the baby-ness has begun to fade in my 14-month-old as she’s toddling around the house, babbling and gesturing in conversation, surprising us almost daily with new developments. Her chunky butt and thick thighs have shaped up, and I miss her dimpled booty.
I never thought twice about how fast time went with Skyler when she was little. It just happened. And I DO remember praying to survive various difficult phases and wishing for the next phase. But now, having a mature and independent older child has shown me such a contrast, making it crystal clear just how quickly they grow up, teaching me to take a breath and try to be present in as many moments and phases as possible during Layla’s littleness. I can’t stop snuggling her, I don’t hesitate to bring her a bottle and rock her back to sleep at 2 am, and I honestly enjoy diaper changes. But despite my best attempts to be present in these moments and not wish away the phases, they just seem to keep escaping me.
I feel guilty about my obsession with Layla – I don’t remember if I was this obsessed with Skyler but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. Maybe it’s the difference of breastfeeding one but not the other? Could our bond really be that different? Don’t get me wrong – I adore Skyler and enjoyed her as a baby – she was much easier and sweeter than Layla too. So maybe it’s that Skyler is so much older and more independent – she’s becoming her own person and needs me much less. I’ve forgotten the feelings of affection toward that squishy little innocent goofball who’s now become a smart, creative, sometimes snobby kid that knows right from wrong and tests me more than she should. Maybe that evolution is just running it’s course and that’s a good thing because someday she will leave the house and maybe then I won’t be so heartbroken? Maybe it’s just that my love for her is changing – it’s a love that has been wounded as her innocence slowly fades. It’s a love that is less about affection, and more about respect and concern for the person she is becoming.
But there is another difference about Layla. She is the one that almost never was. She is a symbol of healing to Ronnie’s and my relationship after some really hard times. And she herself had hard times and healing her first weeks of life. She almost died one night. Skyler’s heart struggles are already a distant memory – her own scar is so faded it’s almost unnoticeable. And so maybe my fear of letting Layla grow up comes from never wanting to forget how far we’ve come, and how far both girls have come. The more time that goes by, the darkness of the past seems to lighten, which should be celebrated. But I fear to ever forget the tests of faith, the lessons learned, or take anything for granted. I know there’s plenty more life to live, with wonderful things in each phase, but the baby phase – it’s a special one, for sure. I’m so thankful I got the chance to do it again.
Whomp whomp. As I make efforts to be more authentic and open, this topic is one that is tough to share since I like to be in control and give off the impression that I’ve got my shizz together. But a few months ago, I came to the conclusion that I was dealing with mild to moderate depression. I was constantly tired, bummed out, couldn’t get excited about anything and had zero motivation to do anything. I looked forward to sleep way too much and dreaded getting out of bed. I honestly didn’t feel much emotion at all, kind of just blank and empty. If I did feel something, it was annoyance, frustration, longing or sadness. Sometimes, painful memories from the past seemed to bubble up out of nowhere and nag me. Despite my long list of blessings and short list of actual problems, I struggled to find and keep joy – it was so brief and far between. I prayed for God to pull me out of the muck.
I did not go to the doctor about it; I just self-diagnosed, which is, of course, not at all recommended. But I’m smart, self-aware, proud and stubborn, and think I know more about myself than someone I see for 15 minutes once a year. I didn’t feel so bad that I couldn’t function or that I was a danger to myself or loved ones, and I didn’t want something as concrete as a diagnosis on my medical records or a prescription to take. But I knew I was in a place that I couldn’t stay or things might get bad eventually. My distrust of the conventional medical establishment and knowledge that health is not just a random physiological brain imbalance, but rather the compound effect of environment, stress, nutrition, activity, spirituality, and emotions, lead me on my own little research project/experiment and these are the things I discovered and took action with. I want to share the progress/success I’m having in hopes that it helps or inspires someone who may be struggling with similar issues.
- A few years ago after my nutrition studies, I geeked out with a fantastic book called The Hormone Cure by Dr. Sara Gottfried. It has a symptom-based questionnaire that helps women identify which hormones they might be having issues with, and then discusses the how/why and some specific nutrition and lifestyle adjustments to make, as well as how to talk to a doctor if more advanced testing and medication might be needed. Since the last two years were pretty hormone-driven for me to grow a baby and breastfeed a baby, I figured this might be a good place to start. The quiz results showed I had all the indicators of low estrogen and low cortisol. Guess what – these hormones are major regulators of mood and energy! Of the nutrition/supplements she recommended, I chose the following to start including in my daily diet and routine:
- High dose Vitamin C – 1,000 – 2,000 mg/day
- Vitamin B Complex
- Vitamin E – 200 IU/day
- Panax Ginseng – 200 mg/day
- Herbal blend of St. John’s Wort, Black Cohosh, and Hops – I quit this after a couple weeks as I felt increased anxiety like I’d drank way too much coffee. Those feeling subsided immediately after I quit taking this. Herbs are no joke!
- 1 serving of flax seed and maca powder in daily smoothies
- Organic whole soy (I chose edamame since it’s an easy snack) once weekly
- With a push from a friend, I scheduled a therapy session, which was huge in understanding and accepting where I was at and how I was feeling, and taking some solid steps from a mental/spiritual perspective to righting my ship.
- Essential oils for aromatherapy – I’ve got a blend from Vibrant Blue Oils called Uplift that smells amazing. I try to wear it daily as perfume. I also read that clary sage is helpful for estrogen regulation and frankincense for mood, so I’m rubbing a blend of those with jojoba oil on the tops of my feet daily, if I remember. Supposedly that’s a thing (the tops of feet). I’m skeptical of rubbing oil on the top of my feet, but there are stranger things I could be doing, and it’s not hurting anything! Also, a little frankincense in my hair after washing – that’s a good way to smell real nice!
- I watched a bunch of TEDTalks. I went to Youtube to listen to Brene Brown’s talk on vulnerability, which I had heard a couple years ago. I found myself meandering through the suggested videos in the sidebar and came across a talk from a KU professor on how depression is a disease of civilization. If you think you might be depressed, or know that you are depressed, I highly recommend giving a yourself a few minutes to watch this and possibly gain some new perspective. It made so much sense, totally jived with my holistic approach to things, and reminded me I really needed to get moving. I have not been committed to regular and consistent exercise in a long time, and it was even harder for me to make myself do when I was feeling all Woe-Is-Me. But when the professor said that just 30 minutes of brisk walking three times per week was more effective at improving brain chemistry than any prescription anti-depressant on the market, it was a wake-up call. I didn’t have to go kill myself at CrossFit every day to feel better – the kind of movement I needed was so attainable. Dare I say easy? So I committed to movement. Daily if possible – of whatever variety floats my boat and works with my schedule that day. Walk, hike, workout video, CrossFit, run, yoga, stretch…fun!
- I got a planner. Like a bound paper calendar/to-do list thing, and motivated myself with some colorful gel pens to use in it. With all the apps and online organization products available today, I couldn’t get into any of them. It was overwhelming and I just couldn’t make myself stick with any of it. And as I try to be more conscious of setting my phone down and being more present in life, using an app seemed to go against that. What I love about this planner and several others I looked at is that it’s more than just a schedule/task organizer. It focuses on goal setting in four areas: personal, work, relationship, and family/friends. It has a journal component for gratitude and regular self reflection. It forces me to think bigger and deeper than just my to-do list and to be more intentional with my daily life. Because I also know that I need daily spiritual/devotional time, I’ve decided to start my daily planning time with prayer/scripture-reading first to set the tone.I’m just a few days in, but I’m already thinking where has this been all my life? I hope this is a new practice I can keep.
- I’m reading You Are a Badass, which was a total accident – like I wasn’t planning to read anything but it was a gift with great timing. Or maybe, it wasn’t an accident. This very book quoted Einstein saying “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” One action item I’ve taken from this book so far is to do more of the things that make me happy. I realized while reading that I love learning and thinking, and I need regular input like a good non-fiction book to keep the wheels turning and providing inspiration, so I’ve also got a half dozen more inspirational/self-help/health-related books on my reading list this year. Another thing is my enjoyment of writing/blogging, so I’ve set some goals to get back on this thing regularly and share my journey through words again.
So how’s it going, you ask? Is it working? While I’m only a couple months into these steps and some are just barely in the works yet, I can say that the last month or so I’ve felt like a different person. A better person, a dare-I-say happy person? And I’ve got some new dreams stirring in my brain, keeping me up at night in a good way. I’m scared that writing/sharing this is going to jinx me because maybe it’s too soon and it’s all just placebo effect or honeymoon period or things I won’t be able to maintain for the long run. But for now, I’m celebrating. And I’m appreciating myself again and all that goes with this crazy life.
A lot of people are pissed about 2016, with the election of Donald Trump as president and so many celebrities dying. While those things are a bummer, they didn’t really shape my year as none of those people have much impact on my life. But 2016 was a funky year for me. Not one of my favorites, but yet there are some very favorite memories. It’s been a soul-searching year as I’ve spent much of it in the consuming haze of motherhood to an infant (and 9-year-old), which was a total shock to my system and any sense of self I once had. I do feel like the fog is starting to clear, and I look forward to 2017 as a year to get my mojo back. So, how can I recount 2016? I’ll answer the same questions I borrowed from another blog many years ago. If I can even remember anything from this whirlwind…
1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before? I breastfed a baby. I went to Nashville with Ronnie (had a blast), saw several country concerts, got a compound bow and am learning the sport of archery. Attempted to sell our house while living in it (unsuccessful in 2016 and so.much.work.). Roasted a turkey and provided Thanksgiving dinner.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t recall making any resolutions last year other than survive. Maybe to breastfeed as long as possible – I’m very proud of myself for sticking it out as long as I did. I exceeded my own expectations and it was a very rewarding experience. I’m so very thankful it worked out as it was such a rough start with Layla’s health and inability to nurse, but we got it figured out! This year I resolve to be more active, but be creative about what that means and not give myself a hard time when it means something different than earning PR’s at CrossFit. We are gearing up to start hiking as a family – literally, we picked up a backpack carrier for Layla on Craigslist and Skyler and I got hiking boots for Christmas. Weather permitting we go on our first hike this weekend to close out 2016. I’ve also brought walking shoes to keep at work so I can get out for fresh air and walks a couple times a week. I can’t make it to CrossFit in the evenings much these days as Layla goes to bed so early and I would miss her after being gone at work all day. And though the garage is well equipped for weightlifting and CrossFit workouts, I find it so difficult to get motivated without others to workout with and hold me accountable. Plus, it’s too hot or cold for two seasons of the year. So I signed up for Beachbody On Demand so I can access a variety of workout videos online when I need some intensity and coach Tony Horton telling me what to do so I don’t dilly dally through a workout. I’m excited to have this variety and especially to get outside with the walking and hiking!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My buddy Jamie had her second. My other friend and coworker Brie also had her second.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, but a few weeks ago I thought I would be writing that my Grandma Kelley passed away as her health took an unexpected nosedive, like organs-shutting-down-call-the-family-to-come-say-goodbye kind of thing, but she miraculously stabilized and recovered enough to have her previously replaced aortic valve replaced again, and she’s already at home recovering from that ordeal. I’m really hoping we can make it to Florida in June next year to see her!
5. What countries did you visit? Ronnie and I made it back to Mexico for my girl Lindsay’s wedding. It was a much needed getaway and relaxing fun time. I may have way overdone the rum or tequila the night of the wedding and spent the entire next day in my cold, dark hotel room surviving on potato chips and sips of water rather than enjoying the tropical paradise, but it still seems worth it for letting loose and dancing the night away!
6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? Direction/goals/purpose outside of just being a mom. Yes, motherhood is noble and so important, but I know I have more to offer the world than just my children. I also hope to have a smaller, more manageable house.
7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Probably March 3 (our trip to Nashville) or September 28 (our trip to Mexico). Our vacations/escape from reality.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I think breastfeeding.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not taking care of myself – physically and spiritually. I feel like a chubby, frumpy shadow of my real self. Hoping 2017 will melt away the fluff and haze of mommy-hood and I will find more balance in all areas of my life.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I felt under the weather many more times this year than in previous years, I’m sure due to not making my own self-care as high priority, and dealing with another person’s germ-y slobber and poop and snot on a daily basis.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Probably plane tickets and/or concert tickets. I much prefer memories over material things.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Skyler – she is just an amazing big sister. I’ve leaned on her so much to help while I’m busy with little sis. And they are still so in love with each other. It makes my heart so happy and Skyler still says joyfully “I can’t believe I have a little sister now!” And she’s just so smart and creative and funny. She amazes me on a regular basis.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? No one specifically, but the way America handled this election year and the results. There’s been a lot of hate spewed unnecessarily and a lot of untruths spread irresponsibly. People just lack the ability to disagree respectfully anymore. The negativity that came out of this election really bothered me and I was ashamed of people.
14. Where did most of your money go? Hospital bills, daycare, tuition, home improvement projects.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Vacations. Dates with Ronnie. Layla finally sleeping through the night.
16. What song will always remind you of 2016? Any song by Brothers Osborne.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? same
c) richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Exercise and sharing my feelings.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being hard on myself and worrying about things unnecessarily, bottling all my anxiety up and getting grumpy!
20. How did you spend Christmas? The usual handful of events with various extensions of the family around town.
21. Did you fall in love in 2016? I fall in love with my husband and daughters on a regular basis.
22. What was your favorite TV program? any home improvement show I guess. I’m still not really into TV and wouldn’t be sad if we didn’t have one, other than when I need Mickey Mouse to babysit Layla at his Clubhouse…
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.
24. What was the best book you read? I haven’t read much, but I’ve started a couple books – It’s Okay to Laugh: (Crying Is Cool Too) by Nora McInerny Purmort. This one had me in tears and laughter on the flight home from Mexico. It’s just the memoirs of a girl about my age and the crap she’s been through – very raw and sad and funny and real. The other is You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. My coworker got me a 2017 desk calendar based on this book and then the book showed up in my stocking. I’m loving it so far.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Enjoying country concerts with my husband.
26. What did you want and get? My baby to sleep through the night. It might have taken her 9 months, but she’s got it down pretty well. Now I look forward to teething and sicknesses only because they wake her up at night and she needs snuggles to go back to sleep. I jump at that chance to rock her to sleep!
27. What did you want and not get? To sell this house and find a smaller one.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? I barely remember things we’ve watched. We watched the first 3 Divergent series movies and those were really good. And Rogue One, being Star Wars and all – it was surprisingly great.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 37. I went to work that day, but Ronnie made reservations at Rye that evening for us and some great friends and we had such a wonderful time over dinner and drinks.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Less financial stress, more exercise.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016? Leggings – nothing else fits.
32. What kept you sane? Sleep. And my hubby making dates for us so we could escape being parents on a regular basis.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? With my soul-searching as the year winds down I’m fascinated with Brene Brown – I kinda just want her job. Her books are on my reading list for next year!
34. What political issue stirred you the most? The election, duh.
35. Who did you miss? My girl Lindsay moved to Clovis, New Mexico. It’s so far and not the easiest to fly to. Thankfully we have instant messaging!
36. Who was the best new person you met? There isn’t a single person that’s made a huge impression, but we met some great new people on the Mexico wedding trip that I hope our paths will cross with again.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016. The contrast in age of my daughters has helped me not to wish away the exhausting times with an infant. Though I gain freedom as they grow to be independent, for now I’m clinging to the baby snuggles, even with all the stress they bring.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. For Layla: “In the still of the night, I held you, held you tight, cause I love, love you so, promise I’ll never, let you go, in the still of the night.”
Here’s to 2017!
So I went to see my therapist yesterday. Yes, I see a therapist, and I feel like that is hard to admit. Like I’m weak or crazy since my life looks fine. But my therapist is truly a Godsend and I’m so thankful to have realized this kind of service. I wish I could go once or twice a month on the reg to help me stay focused and ease my scattered brain, but I don’t have that kind of money. She was recommended to me by a friend a couple years ago when I was dealing with some crap. I met with her several times throughout that year and then hadn’t talked with her since very early in my pregnancy with Layla when I was struggling with the emotions of that very unexpected life change. So it had been a spell and we had a lot of catching up to do!
What prompted the appointment after so long and during a time when life seems pretty even keel? We have no extraordinary challenges right now and are just kind of going with the flow day by day (knock on wood, throw some salt over my left shoulder, do a rain dance, etc!). But despite that, I haven’t been happy. Plain and simple. And I don’t mean I’m not grateful for the life I have – there is SO much to be thankful for especially after all the hurdles we’ve been through. But I’ve been down in the dumps for a couple months and unable to shake the gloom, so my friend literally wired me money via Paypal for the sole purpose of paying for me to go talk to my therapist. I guess she was tired of my negativity? Ha – just kidding girl – you just knew what I needed!
What I love about my therapist is she understands where I’m at in an uncanny way. After I explain my concerns, she tells it back to me like a beautiful broken reflection. I see myself and my feelings through objective but understanding eyes, and I can immediately give grace to myself for where I’m at. Even if that was the end of the appointment, with no advice or action items, her recounting of my current state allows me to accept where I am and love myself for it. My guilt and feelings of weakness disappear as I see myself the way she does. But then she probes further and gives me action items. And I love a clear to-do list!
So I’m at a place where I’m re-evaluating my values (huh?). She gave me a massive list of “values” – things like Spirituality, Wisdom, Achievement, Health, Financial Stability, etc. (there’s like a thousand in the list). She asked me to quickly highlight everything that resonated with me, and then to go back through the highlighted list and really think on the values that best represented the things I aspire to lead my life with. The things that I want, rather than the things that I’m currently doing, and narrow the list to around 5. She said it sounds like I’ve been letting life lead me, rather than leading my life with my values. I need to identify my values, the things that help me protect them, and the things that interfere with them, so I can hit the reset button and begin making decisions again with my values in mind. I’m looking forward to this exploration and new practice, though already fear failure. The biggest cause of my gloom is putting everything else before myself – and selflessness is a virtue. And Responsibility is a value, one on the very top of my list. So the struggle to be true to myself and balance everything else is conflicting and very very real. But I’m up for the challenge and excited to find my way out of this funk.
As I think about publishing this post I feel guilty. I feel guilty as a well-to-do white girl living in the safety of the Midwest. Like that gratitude thing should be what I focus on and to quit my bitching, put a smile on my face and go out and do some good in this world with my resources and be happy about it. There are people in way worse scenarios that have real things to be sad about – they deserve to be sad and I don’t. But that’s the hard part about sharing my feelings publicly like this – I don’t share everything. There are some really dark things that I don’t share, so my story and the feelings that I express are disjointed and lack context to people that may read this not knowing. There are very few that really know me and the things I’ve been through. Could things be worse? Yes, but I’ve been through more bad things than I ever would have chosen, and have to accept that it’s okay to grieve about those things. It’s just a reminder that everyone has their own unique experience in life, and it’s all relative to each person. Everyone has a low point (or several) and we don’t always know what those are, nor can we understand how it affects another person. The human brain and soul are fascinating things in how they handle the ups and downs of the unique lives they captain. But we can choose to respond to others with empathy and kindness, in hopes that we don’t negatively impact their situation, and maybe even become the positive thing that helps boost them to a better place. As cliche as it is, you never know what another person is going through, and we can all learn to not judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.